This is Wandering

I arrived in Maryland on the wings of Hurricane Ernesto and 5 days without a visible sun. Those who know me understand that this is a daunting way for me to begin my time in a new place: sunless weather tends to deliver depression on my doorstep. Fortunately, however, the pace of the first 3 days did not allow much time for the sort of self-reflection from which despair blooms. In fact, my initiation into the community life of the Trinity Forum Academy has been punctuated with joy, excitement, and contentment.

The eleven “fellows” who have committed to spend the next 9 months at the TFA with me are the sort of people that inspire and encourage. By all counts they are intelligent, sociable, and self-motivated—the kind of people who will make our close-knit community both lively and constructive. That said, at this point most of my estimations of the community and the people are just that: estimations, projections of what will be. So while I am bolster by thoughts of the kind of community that we are creating, I still do not really have any sense of knowing or being known here.

We are a fun bunch. We laugh loudly and share stories of ridiculous things we have done with friends in other stages of life. And though I am a prominent participant in the mirth and beauty produced by our times of fellowship, I have withdrawn quickly many times afterward. I have spent a lot of time isolated in the Chapel taking stock of my demeanor—wondering at how I can feel deeply connected at one moment only to feel utterly alone in the next. These are the stark contrasts of my new life in Maryland: I have felt alive and engaged in a new and exciting way, but I have also felt the pangs of loneliness that I thought were buried artifacts of my freshman year in college.

I do not think I am alone in these feelings. Although no one has said as much to me, I suspect when I see other fellows quietly retreating away from the group that they are dealing with similar mysteries in their souls. I hope so. My struggles have forced me to seek refuge in my heavenly father and friend, and he has proven faithful to meet me in distress.

The sun came out on Sunday, helping to make my Sabbath a needed source of hope and rejuvenation. I spent the entire afternoon in the Chapel and outdoors reading scripture, praying, and writing a new song. The new tune, my first in several months, is about loneliness and love: I think they are both overworked words that we use, for lack of better descriptions, to categorize the most confusing experiences of our souls. I am happy with the song. Do any of you know a good way I could host an mp3 recording on this blog?

On this site I intend to share explorations of my personal and interpersonal experiences here at the TFA, but I also plan to provide a window into the academic study I do here. And already, Dallas Willard’s The Spirit of the Disciplines has begun shaping my thoughts concerning the Christian life. I will post another article shortly containing that set of thoughts.

For now, however, I will close. I hope I have painted an honest and somewhat clear image of my thoughts. I want you to know my excitement and joy, but I want you to understand how frail and scared I can be, as well. That’s all from Maryland today.